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Lumea e a ta si tu o faci sa se invarta…dar e suficient?
Probabil ca nu, nu e indeajuns, pentru simplul fapt ca ne trebuie un motiv. Un motiv care sta la baza oricarui lucru, a oricarei actiuni, mereu. Cum ne dam seama care e motivul nostru? Usor. E esenta pentru care lupti, e cauza care te determina sa te dedici in totalitate, e prilejul care te aduce in fata unei noi incercari. Motivul pentru care fiecare dintre noi isi doreste ca lumea lui sa se invarta e diferit, tocmai aici este frumusetea. Poate sa difere…de multe ori suntem impinsi de experiente trecute sa evoluam, alteori de circumstante, dar cel mai adesea..de persoane.
Cum poate un om, la fel ca tine, sa devina deodata centrul universului tau, sa iti dea logica peste cap, sa te faca sa construiesti totul in jurul lui? El sa devina motivul tau. Tu sa devii atat de prins in goana asta, incat un zambet de-al lui, poate doar un suras pe ascuns, sa fie motivatia ta. Sa fie premiul. Sa fie trofeul pentru care tu te zbati atat. Sa fie castigul absolut. Sa-ti fie rai in totalitate, tu sa te rupi in bucatele, dar atata timp cat motivul ti-e intact, totul e bine. De ce? Pentru ca, inconstient, esti infestat de reactia asta chimica, presupunand ca nu e altceva decat sentimentul de “iubire”. E ca si cand nu simti nicio frica, desi stai fata in fata cu lucrul de care ti-e cel mai teama, fiindca motivul tau te tine in picioare, te tine treaz. Iti doresti cu atata ardoare sa primesti ceea ce vrei, incat uiti ceea ce meriti.
Dar poate ca motivul tau e ascuns, poate n-o sa il cunosti vreodata, poate l-ai cunoscut deja si, din inertie, i-ai dat cu piciorul si acum il cauti de nebun. Te-ai gandit de cate ori ai facut anumite lucruri, atatea incercari ca totul sa iasa intr-o forma cat mai convenabila nu doar pentru tine, ci si pentru altcineva? Acel “cineva” fiind insa necunoscut? Daca motivul exista, dar nu il bagi in seama? Ignoranta e arma prostului. Desigur. Orice om din jurul tau e o comoara bipeda, iubesc oamenii. Orice om e pur inspiratie pentru un altul, din alt cotlon. Orice om e o muza, orice om e o creatie. Toti oamenii sunt un motiv! Dar motivele bune se lasa cautate…nu plutesc la suprafata, se disting in unicitatea lor. Dar si cand iti gasesti motivul, iti gasesti ratiunea. Descoperi ca totul parca, dintr-o intamplare, are sens si nimic nu mai e negru.
Ce conotatie mai au noptile albe pentru zile negre, cand oamenii cred ca-si fac norocul singuri? Unde e misticismul care ar trebui sa ne invaluie? Sa ne faca sa ne simtim copii pentru ca nu stim de unde si cu ce scop venim aici cu totii. O astfel de explicatie uluitoare iti da coincidenta prin care ajungi sa stai la cativa metri de motivul pentru care traiesti. Un alt om. Si realizezi ca lui o sa i te daruiesti toata viata, ca el o sa iti lumineze constiinta si orice gand iti zboara bezmetic in cap o sa fie legat de el. Am o convingere ca e mai mult decat iubire, iti intra in compozitie, devine vital pentru tine in orice imprejurare. E toxic? Probabil. Creeaza depedenta? Bineinteles. Dar tot timpul am fost atrasi de lucruri despre care ni se spunea ca nu sunt bune in cantitati mari, asa ca suntem, cu siguranta, obisnuiti. E asa frumos sa vorbesc despre asta, e atat de sincer sa ma gandesc la iubire in forma asta, e pur si simplu uimitor sa vezi cum din relatia asta intre aparenta si esenta se ajunge la motivatie.
De cate ori n-ai facut ceva doar pentru ca stiai ca e activitatea preferata a “motivului” tau? De cate ori nu te-ai comportat si imbracat intr-un anumit fel doar ca sa ii atragi atentia? Mereu. Macar esti sincer, tu cu tine, ca noi ceilalti, stim deja. Asta e ironic, cum tu crezi ca esti subtil in ceea ce priveste toate incercarile si caile pe care le apuci spre a-ti dezvolta pasiunea pentru un alt om. Dar, de fapt, toti in afara de tine, sesizeaza cat de tare iti doresti. De ce “toti in afara de tine”? Pentru ca tu nu te vezi, nu ai ochi sau clipe pentru tine. Tu ai doar pentru ceea ce te tine viu, pentru ceea ce te tine arzand. Pentru motivul tau. El merita tot, el trebuie sa aiba tot, altfel tu te descompui lent in jurul lui, caci totul se ruineaza. Dorinta creste odata cu reusita, cu cat vezi ca il incanta mai mult ceea ce poti sa ii oferi, cu atat te dedici mai tare, te razvratesti pentru sentimentul reciproc.
De fapt, cred ca asta e si tinta. Reciprocitate. Sa stii ca nu doar tu, cand pui capul pe perna, iti lasi gandurile sa faca maraton pana la “motivul” tau. Sa stii ca nu doar tu iti faci filme ca sa te simti mai bine, sa stii ca tot ce faci tu e la fel de atent monitorizat. Partea cea mai dureroasa, dar si cea mai placuta, e overthinking-ul. Tot ce tine de asta. Interpretezi ca un maniac toate gesturile, orice privire, orice pozitie, orice grimasa. Probabil un gram de spontaneitate te-ar omori in momentele in care iti lasi obsesia sa te sugrume incet. De ce? Pentru ca vrei sa stii ca ai, in mod cert, un plan concret in cap in care tu doar interpretezi si innebunesti asupra unor detalii infime. Pe de alta parte totusi, nu cred ca poate exista superficialitate in toata vraja asta. Oamenii devin mult prea fixati pe un alt om pentru a lasa altceva sa intervina. Asa un om devine motivul tau!
TU esti motivul meu.
February 26th,2018
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The world is yours and you make it spin… but is it enough?
Probably not, it’s not enough, for the simple reason we need a reason. A reason that underlies anything, any action, always. How do we know what our reason is? Easy. It’s the essence for which you struggle, it is the cause that causes you to fully dedicate yourself, is the opportunity that brings you in front of a new attempt. The reason why each of us wants his world to be different is just beauty. It may be different…we are often pushed by past experiences to evolve, sometimes by circumstances, but most often by people.
How can a man, just like you, suddenly become the center of your universe, give you logic over your head, make you build everything around it? It will become your reason. You become so caught up in this chase that a smile of his, perhaps just a hideous one, is your motivation. Be the prize. Be the trophy for which you fight so much. Be the absolute win. To be totally hell, you break into pieces, but as long as your reason is intact, everything is fine. Why? Because, unconsciously, you’re infested by this chemical reaction, assuming it’s nothing but a feeling of “love.” It’s like you do not feel afraid, even though you’re face to face with the one that’s most afraid of you, because your reason keeps you up, it keeps you awake. You want so much to get what you want, that you forget what you deserve.
But maybe your reason is hidden, maybe you will never know it, maybe you’ve already met it, and by inertia you kicked it and now you’re looking crazy. Have you ever thought about how many things you’ve done, so many attempts to get it all in a more convenient form not only for you but for someone else? That ‘someone’ being unknown? If the reason exists, but do not you notice it? Ignorance is the bad guy’s weapon. Of course. Everyone around you is a bipedal treasure, I love people. Everyone is pure inspiration for another from another. Every man is a man, every man is a creation. All men are a reason! But the good reasons are left to look … they do not float, they are distinguished in their uniqueness. But when you find your reason, you find reason. Discover that everything seems to make sense, and nothing is black anymore.
What connotation have white nights for black days, when people think they are lucky themselves? Where is the mysticism that should overwhelm us? Make us feel like kids because we do not know where and where we are all here. Such an astounding explanation gives you the coincidence that you get to stay a few feet from the reason you live. Another man. And you realize that you will give him all his life, that he will enlighten your consciousness, and any thoughts that fly you unconsciously in his head will be linked to him. I have a belief that it’s more than love, you get into composition, it becomes vital to you under any circumstances. Is it toxic? Probable. Do you declare? Of course. But all the time I was attracted to things that we were told were not good in large quantities, so we’re definitely accustomed to it. It’s so nice to talk about it, it’s so honest to think of love in this form, it’s just amazing to see how this relationship between appearance and essence leads to motivation.
How many times have you done something just because you knew it was the favorite activity of your “motive”? How many times have you behaved and dressed in a certain way just to attract attention? Always. At least you’re honest, you, like the rest of us, already know. This is ironic, as you think you are subtle about all the attempts and paths you are taking to develop your passion for another man. But, in fact, everyone outside of you, notices how much you want. Why “Everyone Outside You”? Because you do not see yourself, you have no eyes or moments for you. You only have what keeps you alive, for what burns you. For your reason. He deserves everything, he must have everything, otherwise you slowly break up around him, for everything is ruining. The desire grows with success, the more you delight in what you can offer, the more you dedicate yourself, you revolt for your mutual feeling.
Actually, I think that’s the target. Reciprocity. Know that not only you, when you put your head on the pillow, let your thoughts marathon to your “motive”. Know that you are not just making movies to make you feel better, to know that everything you do is just as carefully monitored. The most painful, but also the most pleasant part is overthinking. All about this. You interpret as a maniac all the gestures, any look, any position, any grimace. Perhaps a gram of spontaneity would kill you when you let your obsession with strangle you. Why? Because you want to know that you definitely have a concrete plan in the head that you just interpret and crazy about some minute details. On the other hand, however, I do not think there may be any superficiality in all this spell. People become too attached to another man to let something else interfere. So a man becomes your reason!
You are my motive.